Do you know why they call autumn, fall? Because shit falls off of trees.

And while some of that shit is light and airy i.e. leaves, some of it is not i.e. the 10 gajillion acorn-maple-nut HELL BULLETS THAT ARE RAINING DOWN ON MY TIN ROOF AND DRIVING ME BATSHIT CRAZY.


So part of the problem is likely the tin roof on the house. And the car port. And the storage shed.  And part of the problem is likely the mass of trees flinging acorn-maple-nut Hell bullets on said metal rooves so that my days - and nights - are filled with the constant bang of nuts on metal.  That sounds quasi-dirty. Trust me. It's not.

The thing is, these little nut muncher things aren't that big, Or heavy.  So it confuses me when I am lying in bed at night and it sounds like a goddamn motherfucking Chevy Impala is falling on my roof.  Seriously. I went outside today and walked around my house searching for the ginormous tree (or tree limb) that must have come crashing down on my roof at around 8:45pm last night and scared the Beejuzus out of me. Couldn't find it. All I could find was a few leaves, a lone twig, and a bazillion of the Psychotic Nuts From Hell that apparently defy the laws of psychics (Fuck you Isaac Newton!). 

I welcome fall with open arms. I truly do. Scarves. Boots with bare legs. The return of the Sweater! All great things.  

But this shit falling out of trees onto my head (literally and figuratively) HAS GOT TO STOP I TELL YOU.  BEFORE I GO INSANE AND TAKE YOU ALL WITH ME.


I almost wrecked my car the other day when a crazy big nut hit the roof. Thought I had been hit!! They really do produce an inordinate amount of noise for their size.

It could be that an animal chased the nut that fell? and that's the larger heavier noise? did you see Ice Age?

God, you are funny. I needed your rant today.

Now see I'm jealous about the tin roof, that's the best when it rains! Fall is by far my fave season, it has the best wardrobe options.

I feel you need a pumpkin beer.

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