Every year, our local paper runs a holiday recipe contest.

Every year, I submit recipes.

Every year, at least one of my recipes makes the finals.

And every, year, I ultimately lose. 

This wouldn't be a big deal if a) I wasn't such a damn good cook b) the recipes that did win were actually orginal and c) the recipes that did win didn't involve some combination of Ritz crackers, Velveeta and cream of crap soup to hold the whole mess together. 

Frankly, it makes me a little apoplectic when my homemade Spiced Cranberry Conserve doesn't even make it to the finals in the Veggie/Fruit category but Two Can Casserole does. REALLY PEOPLE? REALLY?

So if you haven't figured it out yet, it's that time of year again. I was going to forgo the contest this year because really, I'm not sure my blood pressure can take it, but I was talking to the Reporter a few days ago and she told me to go for it.  And even though she's not a judge, and even though only little old blue haired ladies tend to win, I am actually contemplating entering. Again.  Only I plan to be strategic.

The first thing I did was review what has won in years past along with what I've submitted.

2007

Main Dish Winner: Prosciutto Chicken

Fruit/Veggie Winner: Spinach Souffle Madeleine

Bread Winner: Cream Cheese Stuffed Apple Bread

Dessert Winner: Ooey Gooey 8 Layer Caramel Apple Sour Cream Pie

The Grand Prize Winner that year was the Cream Cheese Stuffed Apple Bread which wouldn't have been a big deal only IT WASN'T AN ORIGINAL RECIPE. The woman who won fully admitted to having gotten it off the side of a box.  SERIOUSLY? SHE WON FOR THAT?

In 2007 I submitted 2 recipes: my Brussels Slaw - which is the best version of Brussels sprouts you will ever eat and will turn even avowed Brussels sprouts haters into lovers - and my Orange Scented Mini Pumpkin Loaves with Dried Cherries and Golden Raisins.  Both recipes were finalists in their categories although somehow my pumpkin loaves wound up in the Dessert category even though they should have been in Bread.

2008

Main Dish winner: Be Thankful Garden Lasagna

Fruit/Veggie Winner: Zesty Hot Holiday Broccoli Dip

Bread Winner: Chocolate Bread with Hazelnut Spread

Dessert Winner: Southern Brownie Tiramisu  

The Grand Prize Winner in 2008 was the Southern Brownie Tiramisu.  I don't know if it was an original recipe or not but I do know that I submitted 4 recipes - 1 in each category - and only 1 was a finalist.  My Chicken Meatballs Stroganoff? Apparently not worthy of a finalist spot. You know what was? Apple Chicken and an Eggplant Parmesan recipe that includes ground beef. OMFG.

I've already told you that my delicious homemade Spiced Cranberry Conserve wasn't impressive enough to be a finalist but that Two Can Casserole was. So was something called Vegetable Salad Bar that involves gluing a shitload of veggies to crescent roll dough with a cream cheese/mayo/ranch dressing mixture.

My from scratch Apple Caramel Crunch Tart didn't impress the judges either.  But Holiday Rum Cake made from cake mix and instant pudding did because apparently the judges ARE SMOKING CRACK.   

My only submission to earn a Finalist berth in 2008 were my Blue Corn Ricotta Muffins with Bacon.  I appreciate the nod but when you stick me next to White Chocolate Blueberry Loaf, I cringe. Just a little.

2009

Main Dish winner: Red Rice

Fruit/Veggie Winner: Jalapeno Pepper Jelly

Bread Winner: Sourdough Pumpkin Bread

Dessert Winner: Golden Yam Cake  

I can't really discuss the fact that Jalapeno Pepper Jelly was crowned the Grand Prize Winner last year. I just can't because JELLY? REALLY? And it involved food coloring. And it said "this is a good side dish with meat or with cream cheese on crackers." This isn't a side dish. It's a fucking condiment and it's fucking bullshit.

After the stinging disappointment of 2008, I dialed it back last year and only submitted 2 things: my Four Seasons Stuffing (simplest yet most delicious stuffing ever) and Rise 'N Shine Bars which was my stab at replicating Crack Pie. The Rise 'N Shine Bars did earn a finalist slot even though the recipe still needed tweaking and the version I delivered to the judges was a little off which is probably why I didn't win and fucking Golden Yam Cake did. Gross.

So here we are in 2010 and I have about 5 days to decide what recipes I am going to enter.  To say I am cautious is an understatement.  I am tired of submitting original, delicious recipes only to lose out to unoriginal bullshit made with pre-packaged food and/or that comes of the side of a box although this year the announcement says: "Originality will be given a lot of weight so please don't submit something you got off the back of a box."  HA. Will believe it when I see it. 

I have a few ideas in the Veggie/Fruit category including some decadent twice-baked Yukon golds and even more decadent Creamy Dreamy Spinach (secret: an asston of melted butter and yes - asston is an actual culinary measurement), although truthfully, neither seems like much of a culinary stretch.  I've also thought of submitting my Spicy Caramelized Onion Bacon Blue Cheese Dip but what does that fall under - besides Sheer Awesome? 

I refuse to poach someone else's recipe which means the life altering Buttermilk Bacon Pralines are out.  Although, as a last resort I may borrow (with her permission) AndreAnna's White Trash Casserole which if memory serves me includes tater tots, ground beef, cream of crap soup, cheese and maybe ketchup - perfect for the crowd I'm catering to. And if I win? We'll totally split the cash.