My friend's death has left me shaken. Beyond shaken.  One minute we're swapping texts and he likes my Facebook status. A few hours later he's dead.

Death is hard to comprehend no matter what but unexpected death? Unfathomable.  Twenty four hours later after finding out and I am still sitting here lost and confused and scratching my head trying to understand something which makes no sense.  And if it's this hard for me, I can't being to imagine what it must be like for his children.  

Just as I was beginning to get back to being me after a very dark period, I am once again knocked on my ass. Hard. 

I woke up this morning with a case of the Mean Reds.  At 5am I jolted awake feeling terrified.  The thing is: I don't know what I am afraid of. I know I am loved. And I know that I am not alone.  And I know that my life, while challenging at times, is also rich and full and that I am fortunate.  So what?  What am I afraid of?

I manage my solitude pretty well most days.  But this morning? This morning I wanted like Hell for another body to be in the bed. I wanted to be close. I wanted to feel safe. Right now - I just feel lost. 

I am working from home today which means I don't have the distraction of an office or coworkers to chase me out of my own head. I am left alone in this still, silent house with thousands of thoughts swirling restlessly in my brain.  I am crawling out of my own skin.

I have a bad case of the Mean Reds and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

5 Comments

Big hugs to you, sweetie! Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

It's those unthinkable unexpected game changers that really shake me up too. I'm so sorry about your friend. For you to be missing him means he was truly special.

That space that's next to you....I hope that the person made for that space comes into your life soon. And that they know how good that space is. I love you hun.

Lots of hugs. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh Rougie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope your Mean Reds die down soon and you find a little peace in this day.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. Hugs to you.

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