"Why bother to live an unhappy life?"

That was my daily dose of a zen a few days ago, and it's stuck with me because let's be honest, why bother?

Am I living an unhappy life? No. But am I living my most happy life? No. 

My life is certainly good, bordering on great, and anyone who has asked in the last few months has gotten the same upbeat response about how WONDERFUL and TERRIFIC everything is and work is great and I am making changes - good changes - and I am excited and there's opportunity and I am making progress on the house and I have amazing friends whom I truly cherish and in general I feel fortunate and blessed and I can't really complain and OMG DON'T YOU WANT TO SHOOT ME?

The thing is, all of the above statements are true. My life? It's not bad.   

What I don't talk about is what's missing. I don't talk about the loneliness that still plagues me or the fears of being alone. And while I will tell anyone who asks that I don't really care about dating, there's a very big part of me that aches to have someone to share things with.  This past year was needed: I needed to be reminded that I can, in fact, take care of myself.  That I can be strong and independent and make decisions. That I don't need anyone else to get by. 

But more and more, I am beginning to believe that it would be nice to come home to more than my cliche cat. I might not need anyone else, but it sure as hell would be nice to sit down with someone, share a glass of wine, and talk about the quotidian details of our days.  It would be nice to fall asleep to the sound of someone else's breathing and not just the lonely whir of the ceiling fan.  It would be nice to fall asleep in someone else's arms.   

I tell myself that I am better off this way: that taking care of myself and building up my self-confidence will make me a better partner for someone down the road.  And maybe it's true. But in the here and now? I long for more.

Then again, today's daily dose of zen was: "Listen to your life. It's showing you everything you need to know about who you can become."

Maybe I just need to listen harder.

1 Comment

You know I completely understand everything you're saying. And not to be overly cheesy, cause that's not me at all, but I really believe everything that is happening is leading us to something REALLY good.

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