My friend's death has left me shaken. Beyond shaken. One minute we're swapping texts and he likes my Facebook status. A few hours later he's dead.
Death is hard to comprehend no matter what but unexpected death? Unfathomable. Twenty four hours later after finding out and I am still sitting here lost and confused and scratching my head trying to understand something which makes no sense. And if it's this hard for me, I can't being to imagine what it must be like for his children.
Just as I was beginning to get back to being me after a very dark period, I am once again knocked on my ass. Hard.
I woke up this morning with a case of the Mean Reds. At 5am I jolted awake feeling terrified. The thing is: I don't know what I am afraid of. I know I am loved. And I know that I am not alone. And I know that my life, while challenging at times, is also rich and full and that I am fortunate. So what? What am I afraid of?
I manage my solitude pretty well most days. But this morning? This morning I wanted like Hell for another body to be in the bed. I wanted to be close. I wanted to feel safe. Right now - I just feel lost.
I am working from home today which means I don't have the distraction of an office or coworkers to chase me out of my own head. I am left alone in this still, silent house with thousands of thoughts swirling restlessly in my brain. I am crawling out of my own skin.
I have a bad case of the Mean Reds and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.