I needed to buy an iPod for a work thing (don't ask) and so yesterday I figured I'd pop over to the mall during lunch and grab one at the Apple store. I had planned to walk (the mall is literally across the street) but when I stepped outside, it was like falling into the arms of the love child of an oven and a steam bath. I mean, I didn't know that humidity levels could climb as high as 852%, but apparently, they can. 

I have naturally curly hair that I have basically tamed into submission. On top of which I JUST got my haircut Monday night and it was on the short, sleek, straight side so even 2 minutes outside and suddenly I'd be dealing with frizz beyond belief not to mention bangs curling up and looking all kinds of funky.  So I got in my car (sacrificing an awesome parking space) and drove. All of a few hundred feet. On the plus side, Funky Cold Medina was playing on the radio so I got busy to Tone Loc.  

I entered the mall through Macy's and had the following 2 thoughts as I made my way through the store:

1) I love shopping for men's clothes. Really.  100 years ago, when my father was still knee deep in corporate America, I accompanied him to Burberry and helped him pick out stylish sport coats, sharp shirts and posh ties. In fact, I had his whole wardrobe coded and categorized as in Sport Coat A can be worn with shirts 1, 3, 6 and 7 and ties 2, 4, and 10. The man didn't get dressed in the morning without consulting me first. My point? I love shopping for men's clothes and even walking through the men's department of Macy's made me long for someone to shop for because, you know, who needs sex?

2) I have not bought a bathing suit in over 4 years. I don't know whether this is a grand feat worthy of celebration (because Holy Hell I'd rather get a simultaneous pap smear and root canal than try on bathing suits) or a massive tragedy (because Jesus my bathing suits are all old and stretched out of shape and ill-fitting).  I browsed briefly in Macy's but didn't subject myself to the horror because a) they had nothing I liked in my size and b) Crap! Swimsuits are expensive!

Out of Macy's and en route to Apple, I caught sight of the electronic no-smoke cigarette kiosk and just thought: who the fuck would actually BUY one of those let alone use it? Seems well intentioned but wrong - kind of like most men I know.  Then I saw the Rosetta Stone kiosk - bizarrely situated in front of Sur La Table, as if someone was going to stop off and pick up a Learn Mandarin Chinese DVD on their way to buy a Le Creuset Dutch oven. Actually - who goes to the mall to buy language tapes? Wouldn't you just order online? Or go to a book store? It's quite possible I need to recalibrate my meds but the whole gauntlet between Macy's and Apple just seemed ridiculously bizarre to me.

And then I got to Apple and then I died because HOLY HELL THAT PLACE IS LIKE DISNEYWORLD MEETS A TORNADO MEETS A MADONNA CONCERT MEETS THE CHAOS THAT A SCHIZOPHRENIC WITHOUT THEIR MEDS MUST LIVE IN. There are people everywhere - and everyone is holding a gadget or a tablet and there were 12 separate displays for the iPhone 4 and I just needed a basic 8GB Nano in black and OMG why don't they have products out and Jesus Christ who do you talk to and Holy Hell why are there so many people everywhere and ACK what do you mean there's a waiting list and OMFG GET ME OUT OF HERE BEFORE I HAVE A COMPLETE NERVOUS MELTDOWN.

Seriously. I do not lie and I do not exaggerate.

I could not stand to be in that store one second longer than I absolutely had to, so Blackberry defiantly clutched in my hand (as I was Tweeting about the whole horror), I strode purposefully and proudly right to the back of a store to the one thing resembling a counter (despite its lack of cash registers) and asked who the fuck I needed to see about buying a goddamn 8GB Nano in black. Actually - I didn't say fuck. Or goddamn. At least - not outside of my own head. And I was fortunate because some prepubescent teenager was available to help me out although first he wanted to know if I had any questions and I was all: NO. I have no questions. Just please get my iPod so I can escape from this torture chamber and at that very  moment I realized why all of my Apple-loving friends detest the Genius Bar. I left the store in full on need of a cocktail and a Xanax.

As a reward, I treated myself to a Greek salad with grilled chicken from Showmar's for lunch -- only last time I got Showmar's to-go I was all the way back at my office before I discovered my Greek salad with grilled chicken was actually fried fish and French fries and then I had to trek ALL THE WAY BACK to the mall to get it fixed because I don't really do fried fish. At least not for lunch. Ok. Not really ever. So this time I specifically checked my order when it was handed to me because Joe Pesci is right - they FUCK YOU at the drive-thru AND the to-go counter and the Showmar's lady looked at me all judgy as if I shouldn't make sure that I was getting the right food. Good news? I got the right food. Bad news? She didn't give me a fork and knife but it wasn't exactly a tragedy because we have utensils back at the office.

Even better news and incidentally the best part of my day (which quickly spiraled into The Tuesday That The Universe Tried To Suck My Soul)?  Showmar's special tzatziki dipping sauce. I think they must put crack in it because it is seriously fucking good. 


LOL. There are so many things to comment on, but I will just say I bought some tzatziki at Harris Teeter the other day and that is seriously good shit. Never had it at Showmar's, but can only assume that since it's "special," it's pretty awesome.

Wow! What a Tuesday. I have no idea what tzatziki sauce is.

I went to Legal self-help for a consultation and I felt like I needed a cocktail and xanax when I left. So many options for divorce. and? I still have to tell HIM I'm filing, because apparently living apart for 4 1/2 months does not indicate I am serious about this. WTF?

glad you got some food. AFter that I would have ran to the door without the food and stopped at a vending machine!:P

Shoulda gone to Target.

I went to the mac story Monday and almost committed a homicide and/or had a nervous breakdown. They only had like 3 laptops on display-in rotation with about 5 of each kind. And then they had 31 ipads on display, no employees and every home schooled kid in the country playing on them.

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