When I was little, I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up: a Mom.  I was the daughter of 2 happily married parents and I naturally assumed that my adult life would mirror theirs.  I'd be happily married for eternity.  I'd have 2 children - an older boy and a younger girl just like me and my brother. And of course, I would let my daughter do all of the things my mother wouldn't let me do because not only was I going to be a Mom, I was going to be a Cool Mom.

But things don't always work out how we plan.  And now I am less than 30 days away from my 35th birthday and I am childless.

I don't think it would be such a big deal if the media didn't proclaim 35 as THE GIANT SEMINAL TURNING POINT IN A WOMAN'S LIFE.  According to them, 35 is the year that our ovaries shrivel up and our ability to have children decreases DRAMATICALLY.  I think 35 is the year (or at least once was the year) that if you are STILL single, you have better odds of being blown up by a terrorist than finding a husband. Really, I shouldn't be excited about turning 35 seeing as it basically means I am going to die alone and childless and death may or may not include a bomb.

I never thought I wouldn't have kids. In fact, for a long time (like 4 years long) I actively tried to conceive. It never took. And a battery of tests that poked and prodded in and around and all up in my private womanly sanctuary revealed that I was young, healthy and totally capable of having children.  Why it never happened, I'll never know. I am going to go out on a limb and say that what's meant to be is meant to be and that at the time, children weren't meant to be. At least, not for me.

The question remains: are they in my future?

I've often wondered about how I would fare as a mother. As good as I am with kids, and as much as I love them (don't get me started on my scrumdiddlyumptious nephew), I am also from the MEMEMEMEMEME School of Selfish.  The choices I have made for the last 15+ years are all about me and for me.  I don't have to give up a night out with the girls because my daughter needs help with a book report. I don't have to pass over a dress on sale at Trina Turk because my son needs new clothes for school. I don't have to miss work for a sick child. I can wake up on a Friday at 7am, buy a plane ticket at 7:30am and be in Miami by noon. Nothing holds me back. But it's different when you're a parent. You put your children first. As well you should.

I am not stupid. I know my ovaries aren't going to shrivel up and dry out at 3:59pm on August 11th.  I have already survived one terrorist bombing. I'm still here and I am pretty sure that at the very least, I will go out on a handful of dates before I suffer through my next attack.

But still. I can't help but wonder. About what the future holds. And if it includes motherhood.

5 Comments

Never give up your dreams. I have the two that I adore. Love and could not imagine life without.

However, I distinctly remember a conversation when I was expecting my daughter worried about being jealous of her. Well, there have been times, I was jealous of her. Makes me feel very shallow and petty, but it is true.

Also, as much as I adore the rug rats, I have to admit that I have often wondered what path I would have taken, if we had continued to be unable to conceive.

Celine Dion is pregant with twins and she is 800 years old-plus her hubs has been around since the BC times. And? She's super annoying.
I never really wanted kids until I had one-I was very good at the Selfish.
And now I can't imagine it any other way.

AmyBlam is right, though having Celine as a "role model" is just a terrifying thought.

I know 35 is considered old ("advanced maternal age" is the term they gave me when I was pg at 35), but I don't think you should surrender your dream just yet.

I'm older, and i'm still watching the sign for ooopsies. It can happen. I know it. Almost all my classmates (grad91)that went on to get careers first are having new babies over the past 4yrs.

I am so full of these kinds of wonders. I'm so with you that I thought my life would mirror that of the parental figures Ross and I had....it didn't.

What I do have to say is I think that you'd be a particularly incredible mom and I hope that whatever YOUR hopes and dreams are on that topic come true for you - because I think you're terrific and you deserve your dreams to come true. All of them.

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