This weekend unexpectedly became the "Quick! You're Getting a New Kitchen Floor In A Week So All That Other Crap You've Put Off Like Stripping Wallpaper and Painting Needs to Get Done Pronto!" weekend and so I spent Saturday night stripping wallpaper and Sunday getting high off of toxic primer painting and here's a bunch of crap I learned in the last 48 hours:  

* My technique for puttying cracks is highly technical in that I technically slap an assload of putty in the crack and let it dry. Feathering gently is for sissies.

* One day someone will need to teach me how to sand a ceiling so as to avoid the shower of dust falling into my eyes/mouth/nose.  Seriously, sanding ceilings *might* be worse than painting them.

* NEVER EVER EVER EVER install wallpaper. Wait? Do you install wallpaper? I can't even think right now. Whatever. Wallpaper is a negative. Seriously. Unless you plan to live in the house for eternity, eventually, someone else will move in and they will not want wallpaper.  I don't even care if it's the gorgeous hand-painted wallpaper from Farrow & Ball. They will not want it and then they will have to strip it and stripping wallpaper sucks and is a giant, sticky mess. Period.

* Stripping wallpaper is not as much fun the second time around. (See also: above)

* You can never have too much sandpaper or too many razor blades.

* There is no need for oil based paint. Ever. Latex paint has been mass marketed since 1948 and anyone who uses oil based paint for anything is nothing short of a paint douche.

* Not all Killz is created equal. I am familiar with Killz. I have to be because a paint douche painted my house and so every time I want repaint a room, I need to coat it with Killz first otherwise the oil based paint on the walls rejects the latex paint on my roller and then I lose my ever loving shit. Up until this weekend, I have always bought my Killz at Wal-Mart and I have just grabbed the all purpose white interior Killz because it seemed easy and basic. And it's worked. Well, on Saturday, I bought Killz at Lowe's with the assistance of the lovely Kathy (who was very helpful in the paint department) and I wound up buying some kind of highly toxic, oil based primer that was not the Killz I was used to. I knew this instantly because I pretty much got a contact high as soon as I opened the can yesterday morning.  Also? This Killz was sticky and splattered and did I mention it splattered? Despite being viscous? Yeah - I wound up with that shit ALL OVER ME and the only way to try to remove it was to take a Silkwood style shower. I scrubbed myself so hard y'all that I burst my blood vessels and gave myself road rash. AWESOME. (PS I tried to take photos but I couldn't get the camera to focus but trust me: I did some serious scrubbing damage.)

* Never move your stove. Ever. Your inner OCD will thank you for the chance to clean but your inner germophobe will die 1000 slow and miserable deaths because there are no words to describe the horror that builds up underneath and behind a stove after 25 years.  

* Do you think the fact that I developed blisters before the first coat of paint was done is a sign that I grip my roller too hard? In fact when I met Sumo later in the day I showed him my blister, a sign of all of the hard labor I had done. His reply? "Girl - no one should grip ANYTHING that hard." Ahem.

* The only thing consistent about my painting technique is that I make a mess. And it was kind of awesome that I could be messy and not care since my kitchen floor is being ripped up and replaced in about a week. Although it might have been a good idea to be a little more careful around the counters and sinks (which are not being replaced) but that's why God invented razor blades. Or at least one reason.

* I get why painters drink. I cracked my first beer at 11:23am.

* Had anyone randomly knocked on my door between 11:23am and 12:08pm they would have found me clutching my roller in one hand, beer in the other, covered in paint, and singing along with David Allen Coe. And when I say singing along with, I mean BELTING OUT LOUD AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.

* Despite all of the above, I am actually pretty competent. The Angel stopped by yesterday afternoon all set to help and she was shocked to discover that the walls had all been stripped, primed and painted not just once, but twice.  It's possible there will be a third coat, and I still have to paint the cabinets and the doors and the trim, but given that I had no plans to work on my kitchen this weekend, I sure as hell accomplished a shitload.

7 Comments

Please explain to me why you're going to all this trouble for a house that isn't yours. Do you just like pain and suffering? Are you using this as a practice house to hone your skills for use on your future home? You are a brave, brave woman and I cannot wait to see how your kitchen magic turns out!

I really admire your dedication to this project. Because, I would have given up after the second beer.

Once again, you rock!

When we moved into our home I was going to remove the wallpaper. Girl, there were no less than 11 layers of friggin wallpaper. I even rented a wallpaper steam remover. did.not.work. In the end, we just put up paneling over the wallpaper. It's nice and a lot less work.

Oh I do hope there will be pics, and you know you could totally get paid for video of this... Just saying...

Well I was drunk the day my mom got outta prison. And I went to pick her up in the rain. But before I could get to the station in my pickup truck. I got run over by a damned old train. And I'll hang around as long as you will let me. And I never minded standing in the rain. You don't have to call me darlin, darliiiiiiiiiin. You never even call me. Well I wonder why you don't call me? Why don't you ever call me by my name?

I can't WAIT to see pics! You know how much I love a good renovation :)

Oh, how fun would it be to reno with you! Beer and singing.
The best wallpaper remover I've ever used is liquid fabric softener. Just saying.

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