One day some time well over a year ago I was either up really late or really early and I was watching TV and I saw the infomercial for the Instyler. Seventeen times in a row. And after you see you something seventeen times in a row it's essentially the equivalent of being hypnotized and the next thing you know I had actually ordered one.

And it eventually arrived and I tried it and I was all "Meh" about the whole thing. For about 4 months. And then one day: BAM. I discovered that the Instyler was indeed life changing.  Seriously. This thing straightens. Curls. Flips. Lifts. It basically does everything you could want a hair tool to do except give you an orgasm and frankly, that's why God invented vibrators.

Anyways, I became insanely addicted to my Instyler. More so than my blow dryer. More so than my flat iron. You see I have naturally curly hair and finding the perfect combination of product and tool to style it is the equivalent of a quest for the Holy Grail. Seriously.  Ladies with curly hair please feel free to chime in on this.  It's EPIC. Only Harrison Ford and Sean Connery didn't lead me to my Grail. Insomnia did.

Long story long, several weeks ago my beloved Instyler broke. The little round flat thingy that's on the end of the barrel came loose and then fell off and then little bits and pieces started falling out and OMG THE HORROR.  I immediately raced to my computer and looked up how to repair the one thing in the universe that makes my hair look halfway decent. I had 3 choices:

1) If it was less than a year old, it was covered under warranty and I could send it back to be fixed.

2) If I had been a sucker smart enough to buy the extended 3-year warranty, I could also send it back to be fixed.

3) If it was no longer under warranty (which it wasn't), I should under no circumstance try to fix the Instyler myself because there are VERY IMPORTANT computer chips and shit and if I try to fix it myself I might cause a Globalthermonuclear Meltdown of grand proportions and so basically option number 3 was to curl up in a little heap and weep endlessly for about 10 minutes which is exactly what I did.

Sigh.

I waited several weeks before ordering a new one. Mainly because I wanted to see if I could function with a blowdryer and flat iron (and a vibrator) like a normal person and also because really, I didn't want to spend $150 on anything that didn't involve the word "pretty dress," "pedicure," "wine," and/or "trip to the Bahamas." So yeah. Apparently I can't function. I mean, I can function. I'm just functioning with really bad hair.

So last week I bit the bullet and ordered a new one. Actually - I ordered 2 because apparently it's buy one get one free which is awesome because then I didn't need to get the extended warranty for $10 because if one breaks I have another. And given that the shelf life of one of these puppies is about 18 months, 2 Instylers should last me for 3 years just perfectly. I did however pony up the extra $7 for "rush processing" because apparently there is a MASSIVE demand for Instylers and if I didn't "rush" my order it was going to take 10 - 12 weeks to get my new Instyler and OMG it's summer and the heat and the humidity and I NEED MY INSTYLER NOW DAMMIT.

I wish this story had a happy ending. I really did. I wish it ended with me telling you that my Instyler arrived in my PO Box and that I brought it home and we made sweet, sweet love the end. Alas, no. This story has a HORRIFYING twist before we get to what I assume will be a happy ending.

So yesterday I'm in my office and my phone rings. Caller ID indicated the call was coming from Clearwater, FL which right then and there should have been a sign because Hello - Scientology headquarters are located in Clearwater! Anyways, I picked it up and said "Hello" and then that really annoying thing happened where the line went silent and I instantly knew it was a telemarketer and instead of hanging up like someone with common sense I kept saying "Hello" really loudly and really huffily (huffily is so too a word) until I heard that click and the crackle and the static of the telemarketer's line was audible. And then she said "Hello" and immediately identified herself (her? herself? Editor/grammar fiend friends please don't judge me - ok?) as someone from Instyler and she just wanted to verify all of my information before they shipped my order.

And then immediately I was relieved I hadn't hung up because OMG - my precious baby. Moments away from being shipped into my loving arms.  So she asked me a few questions and rattled off my name and address and blah blah blah and she had it all correct and I told her as much and I thought I was done BUT OH NO.  Before I could say "Yep that's all correct thank you very much now please send me my Instyler so I can go back to having non-freak like hair" she pushed right into something about $50 in gas vouchers as a thank you for....and at this point I may have tuned her out because I was, you know, working and shit. And I was trying to type an email or do something mildly important to earn my paycheck and then she said something else about "Budget Savers" and "savings" and "my credit card being charged $1" and then something else about "$24.99 a month" and "can always cancel after 14 days" and I was all: Huh? What the fuck lady? And then I tuned back in and kindly told her I wasn't interested and UNDER NO FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCE was she to charge my credit card for ANYTHING. But she made it sound like I had no choice. Like I HAD to accept the gas vouchers and the trial run of Budget Savers. And I was like: But then I have to remember to cancel. Otherwise you're going to charge my Amex which you have on file. And what if I forget to cancel after 14 days? And she tells me that I can cancel at any time and I was like: Well can I cancel NOW? Because I am not interested. And we played out this "Who's on First" routine for a solid 60 seconds before I caved and said "Whatever" because really, I don't get paid to sit around and argue with telemarketers. Or Scientologists.

And then thinking we were done I tuned out again and started focusing on work only she said something about "hold on - it will sound like I am hanging up but I am not and please hold the line" and once again I was all "What the fuck?" but I held the line because dudes: IT'S THE INSTYLER.

So remember when I said that the whole purpose of the call was to rope me into a pact with Satan verify my information and how the lady had totally verified my information? HAHAHAHA.  That was just a joke. A test. A trial run. Or didn't count because holy fucking hell the man who I was connected with told me that HE was there to verify my information and I nearly died because OMG - who lives like this?  So after taking a deep breath and repeating the mantra "beautiful hair" 6 times to myself to remind me why this was all WORTH IT, I started to RE-VERIFY the EXACT SAME information I had verified to the previous Devil's handmaiden until I got so annoyed and was like: DIDN'T I JUST DO THIS and CAN'T WE HANG UP NOW? And the guy was basically all: No. I am reading from a script. This call can not end until I finish reading my script. And I was like. REALLY? BECAUSE AAAARRRRGGGHHH.  And then I smashed my head so hard on my desk I gave myself a mild concussion.

So after re-verifying my information he launches into a spiel about SOMETHING OTHER THAN BUDGET SAVERS THAT THEY WILL ALSO CHARGE MY CREDIT CARD FOR and I was all: Don't you people have a SOUL? And I told him I was NOT interested. And he said: Ok. Just to verify. You're not interested in whatever Offer #2 is (because I wasn't really paying attention). And I was like I AM NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF IT. And he was all: Oh. Not even Budget Savers? Not even the free gas vouchers which are yours to keep no matter what because that's our way of saying thank you for signing a deal with the Devil? And I was all: NO!!! NOT ANY OF IT. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS DECENT AND HOLY IN THE UNIVERSE JUST SEND ME MY FUCKING INSTYLER AND OTHERWISE LEAVE ME ALONE. Please.

He was quiet for a minute but then he picked up his script and rambled on about them sending a shit load of stuff to my PO Box anyways regarding both offers that I wasn't interested in and I was all: Whatever dude. Can we just please end this conversation because I need to go cleanse myself in a vat of holy water because you people are PURE EVIL.  And then the call was finally over.  

And now I will have to check my PO Box religiously every day because 1) my Instyler is due to arrive at any moment and 2) apparently if I don't my credit card is going to get charged for a bunch of shit I don't want and I already blew $39.99 (+ tax) on 1 month of JDate. I'm not in the mood for any more bullshit charges on my credit card.

So yeah. Telemarketers are totally the Devil. Or Scientologists.