So I am currently mulling over how to create and craft the PERFECT personal profile for my travels through the Hell known as online dating adventures in online dating. I mean, is there a non-obnoxious way to say "I MUST BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION AT ALL TIMES" and "If you don't tell me I look pretty I might get stabby?" Actually, I am thinking that I should probably avoid using the word stabby in my profile. I don't want to attract the wrong sort. Also? There will be no mention of Chez Rougie, Facebook, or Twitter because holy hell - I don't know if Ira Shalowitz, CPA is ready for Rougie. Of course, I am eventually going to have to explain why I have a Blackberry glued to my hands at all times...Crap on cracker y'all - this is going to be tougher than I thought. 

In the meantime, while I make myself prematurely gray fretting about how to make myself most marketable, I am going to  DELIGHT and ENTERTAIN you with other people's personal ads.  Back in January, right around the time I mentioned that St. Valentine had been burned at the stake - twice, my friend Hedge Fund Guy sent me Sexually, I'm More of a Switzerland: More Personal Ads from the London Review of Books by David Rose to ease some of my Valentine's woes. These are ACTUAL REAL ads people and holy hell they are hysterical.  Here are a few of my favorites:

"Quorbaya, my Lord, Quornbaya. Gay, non-smoking vegetarian Joan Baez fantasist (F, 54). WLTM similar to 60 for textured mycoprotein-based protest music shenanigans. Someone's cooking meat substitute fajitas, my Lord, quornbaya at box no. 6587."

"A lot of people say these ads are tacky and tasteless. Not me, and I promise you I know art when I see it.  Velvet Elvis and Genuine Pope-shaped hip-flask salesman, 49, looking for woman with lounge bar in the shape of a ship's hill.  Anchors away, momma, and bless you, my child. Box no. 1013."  

"Nothing says 'I love you' in a more sincere way than being woken with champagne and pastries and roses. Apart from a dog with peanut butter on the roof of his mouth.  Write, we'll meet, sleep together and -- in the morning, just before my friend's wife tells me to get off their sofa and get out of their house -- I'll show you Winston's trick. It's hilarious. You'll have to bring the peanut butter though - they've put locks on all of the kitchen cupboards. Man, 26. Box no. 6433." 

"It's my manifest destiny to find a man through this column and marry him. Woman, 103. Box no. 2134"

"I've kissed too many frogs in search of my prince. Woman, 32. Retired from amphibian zoology very much against her will.  Box no. 3332."

"I am not as high maintenance as my highly polished and impeccably arranged collection of porcelain cats suggests, but if you touch them I will kill you. F, 36. Likes porcelain cats. Seeks man not unused to the sound of sobbing coming from a bedroom from which he is strictly prohibited. Tell me how attractive I am at box no. 1123."

"I am Mr. Right! You are Miss Distinct Possibility. Your parents are Mr. and Mrs. Obscenely Rich.  Your Uncle is Mr. Expert Tax Lawyer.  Your cousin is Ms. Spare Apartment On A Caribbean Hideaway That She Rarely Uses.  Your brother is Mr. Can Fix You Up A Fake Passport For A Small Fee. Man, 51. Box no. 1407."

"Ball-breaking irrational F (52). Very probably just like your mother. Box no. 7911."

"I'm everything you ever wanted in a woman. Assuming you're into fat 47-year old moody bitches who really don't enjoy the mornings. Stop talking and pour the bloody marys at box no. 1908."

So yeah. I could go on and on and on and on and on and just type the whole damn book because OMFG - the hysteria. The laughter. The tears of utter joy. 

AND....Because I'm feeling gifty and want to share the ridiculous amounts of happy that this book brings into anyone's day...CONTEST.

Here's the deal. Writing a profile is tough. REALLY TOUGH.  Should I be sentimental? Sensitive? Snarky? Is humor allowed? And if so - what kind of humor? Frankly, I'm not sure JDate is ready for the same level of satire as The London Review of Books.  Should the profile be more about me or more about what I'm looking for in a man (other than one who doesn't eat Miracle Whip)? I. Need. Help.

All you have to do is enter a comment by the end of the week (so Sunday) with some piece of advice on how to approach this.  For those of you have made successful love matches online - tips as to what actually worked are appreciated. Anyone who has online dating horror stories? Please keep them to yourself. Really. I just remotely even considered the possibility of meeting a total stranger based on a bunch of judgy things. I don't need to hear your tales of woe otherwise I'll crawl back into my hole and winter will last FOREVER. Everyone else? What would you do if you were in my stylish shoes? Even better? I need a new user name because god - while mine doesn't involve the word skin or dawg - it's pretty fucking weak.

It's a totally subjective contest with the 3 most useful comments (or the ones that make me laugh the loudest) getting their very own copy of Sexually, I'm More of a Switzerland. And maybe some of my famous cookies. Or an airplane bottle of Rumplemintz. Like I said - I'm feeling gifty.