So it's not like I have dived head first into dating because with my luck, that would result in my smashing my head on the bottom of the pool and getting a concussion and then spending more months than I care to dealing with insurance hassles. (I may or may not be speaking from experience on the whole concussion/insurance thing. I mean - who knew that opening a car door into your own head qualified as a car accident and thusly the claim needed to be filed with your auto insurance as opposed to your health insurance. I mean really - who the fuck knew?).  I have merely dipped my toes - fuck, not even my whole toes - I have dipped the smallest portion of my left pinky toe imaginable into the dating pool.  And then yanked it back out again because really? It's been close to 13 years since I've been on a date and the whole thing makes me squeamish.

And as much as I think online dating is probably not for me, it's bizarrely addictive. I mean - it's not like I am spending 23 hours a day on JDate but, I am curious as to how many times I've been viewed. And who the hell is viewing me. And for the record - why are people in ISREAL and NEW YORK and other far flung locales viewing me? I think I may have said that I hadn't ruled out relocation but dude - I meant within the same fucking state. And there ain't no way I'm moving to another continent.

Also? Why don't some of you have your pictures up? Do you not want to be judged on something as superficial as your looks? Are you that ugly? Are you so gorgeous that you're afraid your profile will get viewed so many times you'll crash a server? I don't get it. You're on an online dating site. Yes what's on the inside matters but guess what? So does how you look.

Also? If you're a guy on an online dating site - don't fucking post a picture of you with another guy as your main photo because then us girls are all like: Well - which one is {fill in yet another asshatty username here}? And if you're both unattractive? It's like a lose-lose-lose.

Also? I thought Dawg was the worst possible username offense. Negative. Dawg still sucks but holy hell - what would possess a person to put SKINS in their username? I mean - way to make me think of circumcision dude.  And for the record? If you're a Redskins fan? Then fucking put Redskins in your username and be clear about it.

Also? I don't get what a Hot List is. According to my cousin, being put on a Hot List means someone thinks you're hot - plain and simple. However when a 45yo man who looks like a dentist Hot Lists you, it's just wrong and I don't get it.

Also? Dear JDate: I appreciate you're letting me be a member and browse for free and all but what the fuck is up with charging me to read messages that other people send to me? I mean - I get you charging me to reach out and contact other people - but these people are writing to/IM'ing me. Why should I have to pay for the privilege of reading what they've taken the time to write TO ME? That's just all kinds of wrong and now I come across as a snobby no reply bitch unless I hand over my credit card and pay you $36.99 because seriously? If I do actually sign up and become a paying member? That's all you're gonna get. $36.99.  One month.  I am giving you ONE MONTH OF MY LIFE AND THAT IS ALL because that is all I can handle. Of course, you're not getting my money until I actually take the time to write a decent fucking profile because I am pretty sure that "I love great food, better wine, NASCAR, college hoops, all things Italian, mysteries, and Audrey Hepburn movies" is not going to land me the man of my dreams.    

You may have my dignity JDate. But you don't have my credit card. Yet.