I am now going on 1 full week of having allergies being sick, and as such a seasoned veteran of the whole "being sick" thing (and also because I have nothing else to write about), I feel compelled to share with you the lessons I've learned. Here we go:

* If you haven't been sick in 2+ years, there's a good likelihood that when you do finally get sick, you will get knocked on your ass. Apparently time spent not being sick is directly proportional to time spent being sick.

* I can not say enough good things about Canada Dry Diet Green Tea Ginger Ale + Antioxidants. It is the best drink ever.

* Chicken soup (homemade or otherwise) with excessive quantities of hot sauce makes a girl feel good.  It won't cure what ails you, but it will go a long way towards easing your pain.

* In that same vein, Always keep homemade chicken soup in your freezer. ALWAYS. Because as good as Campbell's Chicken & Stars is, nothing tops homemade. (See Also: When you go to the store with every intention of making more homemade chicken soup because you are sick, don't get distracted by the ground chicken and decide to make Buffalo Chicken Chili instead. Chili is not "sick food," and after 1 day of chili you will really, really, really wish you had made soup instead.) 

* Stock up on crackers. There will be a 24  -36 hour period when all you want to eat is crackers, hot-sauce spiked soup, and ginger ale.

* Sugar-free Jell-O chocolate pudding is way better than fat free Fudgesicles. 

* Ignore any and all cravings for alcohol. Seriously.  Jack Daniels may be whispering in your ear, but trust me sugar, other than a little nip with some tea before bed, stay away.

* Whoever invented Puffs Plus deserve a Nobel Prize. Or possibly a MacArthur Genius Grant.

* Alka-Seltzer cold medicine tastes totally gross, but it totally works. And the nighttime stuff will knock. you. out.

* Too much time alone with your cat is never a good thing.

* Guess what? Your mom and dad totally lied to you. There is no Bed Making Fairy. I repeat: there is no Bed Making Fairy. This is particularly problematic when, in attempt to avoid lying in your own germ-riddled filth, you have washed your sheets for the umpteenth time and suddenly decide you need to pass out, like now, but your sheets are still in the dryer.

* Also? There is No Bacon & Eggs Fairy. You will wake up one morning actually hungry and you will want to eat a giant bone-in prime aged ribeye the size of your head but you will settle for bacon and eggs because it's breakfast but all you have in your house is crackers. And toast. And soup.  So when you're stocking up on the "being sick essentials," make sure you pick up something for when the worst has passed too. Or be prepared to hit a drive-thru. 

* It is possible to suffer a nasal passage injury from overzealously sniffing a Vicks Vapo-Inhaler.

* It's totally acceptable to go to Wal-Mart in your PJs. And actually, I think this rule probably applies to when you're not sick too, but just feeling extremely lazy.

* Turn off your ringer. Otherwise well-meaning friends (and parents) will call to see how you're feeling and rip you from blissful slumber. 

* There is a place in the world for trashy magazines. As much as the Kardhasians make me stabby, and as little as I care about The Bachelor or the ex-Hooters girl who tricked him into proposing marriage, and as much as I still don't understand who Jason and Molly are or why we, as a society, should care - this is all your phenylephrine-hydrochloride-addled brain can process.

* Similarly, every trash mag is virtually the same and you will see the same photos and read the same stories over and over and over again. However, you will be so tired and feel like such utter crap you really won't give a shit.

* REST. This is critical as rest is the only thing that will heal you. So stop working from home, don't decide to clean your house, skip the trip to Target (even though it'll give you a temporary shoppers high that will deceive you into thinking you're better), and watch your alma mater beat the tar out of the Tar Heels from the comfort of your own sofa.  The world won't spin off its axis if you put it in park for 48 hours and trust me, you'll get better a lot quicker if you can just slow down. 

* Don't be fooled by your first day feeling quasi-human.  I woke up yesterday ready to conquer the world. Instead, by the time I had driven the 45 miles to get to a world-conquering place, I felt ready to pass out. So I drove the 45 miles back home and did.  

I am pleased to report that I am feeling even more than quasi-human today. And while I don't have any major plans for total world domination, it's my goal to get up, get dressed and at the very least, make it to the office because OMG one more day alone with my cat and I will become certifiably insane.

Out of curiosity darling readers, how do you cope when you're feeling under the weather?