I swear to the heavens that somebody got it wrong and today is in fact, Friday the 13th. How else do you explain the Hell that has bookended this day?

It started when I woke up at 1am this morning and COULDN'T GO BACK TO BED. It may have been the fact that it was my first night sans doxylamine succinate - an antihistamine found in certain cold medicines and the world's best sleep aid. Seriously. 6.25mg of this shit and there could be a car crash right outside your bedroom window, a dozen vehicles could arrive on the scene with lights flashing and sirens blaring, and you wouldn't know unless you woke up randomly to pee. I speak from experience on this. Or maybe it was the fact that I knew I had to be up at 4:30am. Whatever. The day began with a very sleep-deprived Rougie.

Would you like to discuss my broken InStyler? My hairstyling tool of choice which is broken and which can only be replaced by BUYING A NEW ONE to the tune of 3 $40 payments (plus shipping & handling)?

How about the 4 zits on my chin courtesy of a RAGING CASE OF PMS which I only realized I had much later in the day when an attempt to leave an apologetic voicemail for my brother (more on that shortly) had me breaking down into tears?

Let's discuss my 5:15am drive on windy, dark roads in fog so thick you couldn't see. AWESOME.

Let's discuss the 6am panicked message for my brother because HOLY FUCK tomorrow is Mom's birthday (Happy early birthday Mom) and between having THE PLAGUE, being backlogged on work, and dealing with a few other choice items in my life right now, I forgot to get organized. And I was on the road ALL DAY with nothing more than my Blackberry and I panicked and well, my brother is awesome, but he's got his shit too and he didn't appreciate it. Yeah me for pissing off my brother.

The flight to WV was not bad but truth be told, I would have been better off driving to WV directly rather than driving to my boss's house to leave my car so he could drive us to the airport in SC wherein we then boarded one of those little Cirrus planes with the parachutes for the flight to WV.  Or at least I could have driven directly to the airport. More time behind the wheel but less time total on the road (more on that later).

My day was good. Work was good. I am good at what I do and for a few hours I was reminded of that.  Also? Duke beat Virginia. Suck it Cavs! (See also the part where I note that my entire day wasn't sucky - it was just bookended in suck.)

The flight home? Well....the pilot warned us it would be a little choppy. A little choppy? You must jest sir. I felt like Debra Winger in that mechanical bull scene in An Officer and a Gentleman for the better part of 2 hours. A little choppy my ass. More like MOTHERFUCKING TURBULENCE YO. Although we did see a rainbow. Oh. You know what else was awesome about the flight? Looking up at the monitor (I was in the passenger seat) and seeing the warning sign flashing: "Lightning Ahead" followed by the ever comforting ACK. ACK is right. Although it turns out ACK is short for Acknowledge as in: "Acknowledge that there is lightning ahead motherfucker" and not "ACK - HOLY SHIT change your panties."

The drive back to my boss's house i.e. my car was epically long on account of rush hour bullshit and accidents and slow going on back roads. It was during this time that I realized that driving directly to the airport (or even WV) would have been smarter. Again - more time with me behind the wheel but less time on the road.

Just as I got in my car and got on the road home, the rain started. And it got dark. And once again, I couldn't see where I was going. And for like, 3 hot seconds I was hungry as fuck and I really wanted Chinese food (particularly an egg roll) and then the anxiety set in because HOLY FUCKING RAINSTORM BATMAN. Had it been doing this all day?  My motherfucking basement. She will flood. Sigh.

It was the longest hour and 20 minutes of my life filled with extreme anxiety and the perpetual taste of my own bile rising in my throat and threatening to choke me. And as much as I was worried about my basement flooding (and by extension my furnace conking out again and me having no heat) - and believe me, I was worried - I was petrified of making it home in one piece because of the TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR and the WASHED OUT ROADS and HOLY CRAP - ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT FRIDAY THE 13TH? Throw in my raging hormones, residual anxiety about irritating my awesome-can't-live-without-him brother and the fact that I REALLY WANTED A GODDAMN EGGROLL...

So yeah. Are you sure it's not Friday the 13th?

PS I made it home. Safe. Sound. In one physical piece but in 1000 emotional fragments.  My basement was dry which then sent me into fits of hysterical, choking sobs of relief because OMG y'all - who lives like this? Besides me?

PPS I didn't have time to feed Cal today. The stray cat I take care of. I feel like an asshole.