I have gone from freely dipping my toes into the pool of online dating to paying for the privilege of actually jumping in and going for a swim. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing but after 1) getting viewed by 34 men over the course of a week 2) receiving messages from 5 of them which I couldn't even read as a non-paying member and 3) giving some serious thought to my online dating profile thanks to all of your helpful comments, I decided that JDate could in fact, have my credit card along with my dignity. At least for thirty days.

So Saturday night (how clichéd), armed with a semi-decent bottle of Sauvignon Blanc from Marlborough and my Discover card, I jumped into the pool.

First up? I rewrote my profile. Although most people seemed to think that "I love great food, better wine, NASCAR, college hoops, all things Italian, mysteries, and Audrey Hepburn movies" was both accurate and to the point, I thought I could probably do better. 

Here was what I came up with:

I grew up listening to Howard Stern. This probably explains why, along with Terms of Endearment and Breakfast at Tiffany's, the Hangover is one of my favorite movies. It also explains my irreverent sense of humor. Although I was born and bred on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, I love NASCAR. Basically? It was a social experiment gone awry. Things you need to know about me: I love steak dinners, old movies, college basketball , wine, all things Italian, my crazy cat, chicken wings, Guinness, Bones and NCIS marathons on TV, caffeine, pedicures, and the NY Yankees. I think Grease 2 is better than Grease, I prefer diamonds to pearls (although I own both), chocolate to vanilla, kisses to hugs, and if I could bring any man back from the dead it would probably be Cary Grant.  Oh. And it's quite possible I bake the world's best chocolate chip cookies. Seriously. Things I can live without? Olives, salmon, political extremists on either side of the aisle, and anyone who went to Carolina. As far as you're concerned? You don't kick puppies, you don't have Miracle Whip in your house (or even consider it to be an actual condiment), you don't mind if I fall asleep in the car, and you're not intimidated by a smart, strong, successful woman who knows what she wants.  Also? No Red Sox fans. Sorry. The rest will work itself out.

I was pretty proud of it, but me being me, I sent it off to a dozen or so folks for feedback. Most people liked it and thought it was funny and witty and very "me." A few people did not like the "diamonds to pearls" reference which for the record, I put in there to show a man that while it might be nice if he'd like to buy me jewelry, I can afford my own thankyouverymuch.

Anyways, I posted it, and answered a whole bunch more questions about my lifestyle and what I like, and of course, I uploaded pictures. If there's one thing I have plenty of? It's fantastic photos. Also? I figured out how to manage my privacy settings so that I could browse profiles without being identified. Awesome. 

Then I went into my inbox and read the emails that heretofore I had been denied access to. And then I replied. Yes. I replied.

And then? Now that I was actually "private" I started actually reading through the profiles of both the men who had viewed me and the ones I had previously clicked on last week. 

And then? I sent out an email. Unsolicited. To someone who hadn't emailed me or publicly viewed me. And then I curled up on the sofa with my wine and my cat and watched a very hot Chris O'Donnell in NCIS: LA because seriously? I think that's enough for one evening.

Anyways, yesterday morning I had the pleasure of catching up with Dr. Diva.  Dr. Diva is sort of my dating consigliore (along with The Peach) mainly because she's had some experience in this area. Whereas the last time I went on a date - well, I don't even remember. So I had sent Dr. Diva my profile and apparently, it's too long and reveals too much.  Apparently men have zero attention span and oh yeah - I've left nothing to the imagination. As if to confirm her comments, her boyfriend, who is an old friend of mine from high school, said he wouldn't ask me out if he'd read what I wrote. No mystery. I received an email from my friend The Artist with similar feedback.

Fuck y'all. I don't do mystery - ok? You're talking to a girl who pretty much broadcasts her entire life online. My style is best described as "bull in a China shop." When you think of me, demure and coy are not words that readily come to mind. Also? I have a tendency to ramble. I tag very few posts with "Brevity is the Soul of Wit" and I can usually be found saying "to make a long story long" because I feel compelled to share every. little. detail.  And while apparently this is charming on a blog, it's not going to land me any dates.

My point is men are from Mars and that pretty much sucks for me because 1) I am from the land of Inyourface Overshare and 2) I don't speak Martian.

I can tell it's going to be a long 30 days. Also? Now I need to go fix my profile. Crap.