I am a Drama Queen. I know this about myself. In fact, on occasion I flaunt it. But recently what I've noticed is that the drama? The drama is taking its toll.
I apparently live in a world of Black or White. Great or Douchestastic. Ecstatic or Depressed. My days are either butter-soaked, bacon-wrapped, and goat cheese-stuffed in their fabulousness or I want to curl up into a little ball in the corner and cry and cry and cry until I have purged my lacridal glands of every last tear drop in my body. It's like, the Universe is either totally for me and everything is going my way. Or the Universe has popped a Viagra and has decided to fuck me. All. Day. Long.
I don't remember the last time I had a plain, old ordinary day. A day where I woke up. I felt rested enough. Things didn't go AMAZINGLY WELL or SUCKTASTICALLY AWFUL but they just went. A day where shit happened, I survived, and didn't feel like I was the target of some grand cosmic scheme to suffer.
Today was one of the seemingly epic sucky days. It started off with the fact that I got a visit from my old friend, Mr. Insomnia, and I slept less than a total of 3 hours. The less than 3 hours I got weren't even very good as I basically woke up every 15 - 20 minutes and never fully fell into a deep sleep. For my mommy friends out there, you know what your kids are like when they are tired. That was me today. I felt like a 3 year old in desparate need of a nap but since I couldn't take one, I wanted to throw a tantrum on the floor and kick and scream and yell until someone gave me an ice cream cone to shut me up. Of course, I didn't throw a tantrum. No. I did something smarter. I guzzled over 2 liters of Coke Zero before 9am. Seriously. And then I literally bounced off the walls until I CRASHED. HARD.
I was so tired that I should have avoided a particular interaction with someone because I did not have the mental energy to engage in the way I needed to engage. I was borderline petulant and whiny and it wasn't helpful to anyone. It was a waste of time and it sapped what little strength I had. I came home and tried to cry but I couldn't. I was too tired.
Meanwhile, yesterday was one of those awesome days you want to record on DVR and play on repeat all the time. Perhaps it was feeling SO WELL RESTED from 8.5 hours of sleep the night before. Perhaps it was the homemade papardelle with duck ragu for lunch. Or the handsome Irish attorney who sat next to me while I ate it. Perhaps it was just getting shit done and feeling a massive sense of accomplishment at work. Perhaps it was the delicious dinner I shared with another attorney where we talked about Israel and great books and I enjoyed a delicious seared tuna paired with a lovely Tempranillo. I don't know. For whatever reason, yesterday was AWESOME.
Overall, I feel as though I have more bad days than good. And the bad days? Aren't just bad. They are unbearably horrific. Heart-wrenching. Soul-crushing. Strength-sapping. But the good days? I am so high that when I come back down to reality it's more of a thumpcrashboom on my ass. And the thing is, singing on this pendulum, it's exhausting.
I try to maintain perspective. I really do. I try to think about people who truly suffer and remember that my "suffering" is all relative. I try to remember that my successes in life (especially work) are ongoing and I don't need to stage an opening ceremonies style celebration every time something goes right. But it's tough.
What about you lambs? How dramatic is the pendulum you swing on? How do you balance the highs and the lows?
I can totally appreciate this post in a been there kind of way.
I've changed a lot in this way since having Lexi each day has four parts now. Lexi morning, Work, Lexi Evening, After Bedtime....one of these parts may have really sucked that day but I put a lot of effort in segmenting them and starting the next piece better then I ended the last. I've been working to live more in the contented and pleased middle and less on the extremes of the pendulum. It's not easy and I miss the highs but not enough that I'd go back to the lows.