I have to confess - I was surprised by the reactions to my post last week about swinging between extreme highs and lows. First of all, so many of you were so honest and forthright in your comments and you shared your own personal struggles. To me that represents trust and I am honored that you all would trust me enough to put a little piece of yourself on this wee little blog. But the fact that I have awesome and amazing readers wasn't really a shock. I kind of knew that all along.
What did surprise me was that so many of you suggested that perhaps my issue was medical and that perhaps it was more serious than I was making it out to be. ACCCCKKKK. Who wants to be confronted with that news? Especially when....
{BIG CONFESSION}
About 12 years ago I was diagnosed with mild clinical depression. I was prescribed medication, took it faithfully for 7 or so years, and eventually got off when I felt like it was no longer needed. I don't think this is a particularly big deal - most people I know have been on or are currently on some course of medication to deal with depression and/or anxiety. I see nothing wrong with that. If you break your bone, you go to the doctor and have her set it. Mental health is no different and chemical imbalances can be treated the same way as a lot of other things: with medication.
What got me is that I am conscious of the diagnosis. I am conscious of what depression feels like. And when I feel the symptoms dancing around the edges, I do my best to tamp them out because I'd like to think I am stronger than they are. I'd like to think that they don't get to control my life. And yet - I totally missed the signs. Or did I?
I didn't. Not really. When you don't get out of your PJs for days on end and all you want to do is sleep, it's pretty obvious something is wrong. I was simply in denial because the symptoms were stronger than they've been in a while and I didn't feel strong enough to combat them. And for whatever reason, I am loathe to go back on medication. I guess I feel like I have already kicked this demon's ass once. I don't want to do it again.
Flirtations with depression aside, the drama is killing me. To be so DOWN one day and so UP the next? It's ex-haus-ting. Seriously, seriously exhausting. So after reading all of your comments and reflecting further on the situation, I've come up with a plan to try and get myself back on the right track.
* My goal is simply to have days. Not good days. Not bad days. Just days. I suspect they will have a little bit of good and a little bit of bad and that's ok.
* I am implementing a new 10-minute before I Tweet rule. The second something goes horribly awry or is fantastically awesome, I am quick to share it with the Twitterverse. Especially the whole "horribly awry" thing. Sometimes I think I need to take more time to process what is really going on before sharing it with everyone and their pornbot brother. Usually, when I give things careful consideration, they don't seem as overwhelming.
* In conjunction with the above rule, I will also not let Twitter dictate my mood. Seriously. Do you ever notice how everyone has sucky Mondays? It's so easy to get swept up in the wave of Sucktastic even if your day isn't that bad.
* I am learning to breathe at red lights. For the length of time I am stopped in my car, I am also trying to slow down and take a few moments to breathe and be present in my own life. It's more than a little scary because sometimes I'd like to be in somebody else's life but for better or for worse, my life is my life and there's no avoiding it. If I can get the hang of breathing for 30-seconds a few times a day, I may even give yoga a whirl.
I don't think these things are a panacea and who's to say if they'll work or not. But they feel like small, manageable steps I can take to subside the swinging and quiet the demons.
Excellent first steps. I HIGHLY recommend that you try yoga and even a meditation course. You need to learn to breathe more often than just at red lights. You also need to acknowledge that there IS a lot of drama in your life right now but that there will be an end to it. Trying to create new ways of living in the moment are wonderful but it is not only reasonable but likely that some meds may be needed until you get to a more stable place - and a good therapist to talk to in ways you can't share with your friends or on your blog. It is the right and normal thing to do just now. HUGS to you for your acknowledgment of yourself and your needs and your good efforts so far