You know what you don't do when eating oysters? Chew. And the irony was not lost on me seeing as the very same morning that I attended a Low Country oyster roast, I read an article that made the case for mastication. Seriously - I can not quite figure out the purpose of ingesting something that 1) you don't chew and 2) you douse so thoroughly in cocktail sauce that any possible hint of its natural, oystery tasted is so heavily masked by the heavenly concoction of tomato and horseradish.

Then again, this is how *I* eat oysters and not necessarily how normal people eat oysters. And part of this is because I don't really like seafood in general (oh God don't get me started on my myriad of seafood issues) and I am especially not a big oyster eater but when in the Low Country at an oyster roast featuring 600 bushels of the briny bivalved mollusks, one does one's best to fit in.

Also? When one is as accident prone as I am (seriously - yesterday morning I opened the car door into my right leg and there is now a giant 2-inch gash and a yellowing giant bruise on my right calf), one quickly finds a designated shucker otherwise there is the good possibility that 1) one might accidentally spear oneself and/or amputate a digit while attempting to shuck 2) one might accidentally spear one's neighbor while attempting to shuck or 3) the shucking knife might slip out of one's hand, go flying across the table, and poke out the eye of some unsuspecting, oyster loving South Carolinian. Seriously. All these things might happen.  

Lucky for me I am quite charming and I quickly found a kind gentleman who was willing to shuck my shells.  He even came to the oyster roast with not 1 but 2 shucking gloves so you know he's kind of an expert. So yeah. He'd shuck. I'd dunk in excessive amounts of cocktail sauce. Then I'd pop in my mouth and swallow whole because God forbid I'd get even the faintest hint of oyster brine I might possibly gag. And seeing as this was a work event, I am fairly sure that my gagging would not have gone over well.

Truth be told, I might as well have taken a jar of cocktail sauce and a spoon and spoon-fed myself cocktail sauce all night. That's the extent of what I ingested. That and 4 or 5 Saltines. Although not with the oysters because that would have required chewing and OMG ewww gross.

And for the record, do you know what happens when you only swallow your food whole without making use of your teeth? You realize 3 hours later that you are starving. And you kick yourself for not having had a bowl of chili and/or a bowl of banana pudding (OMG what were you thinking - BANANA PUDDING!!!). And then you make your host stop at Publix on the way home where you pick up a block of Havarti cheese, a box of giant Wheat Thins, and some Ferro Rocher chocolates. And then you go back to your host's house where Mrs. Host fixes you giant tumblers full of Maker's Mark, Schweppe's Ginger Ale and lots of crushed ice and you sit around shoveling cheese and crackers into your mouth at alarming speed, drinking bourbon, and watching the Olympics while a bunny named Sir Humps Alot jumps around the room and 1 Chihuahua and 1 Chihuahuaini (a Chihuahua-Dachsund mix) fight over who gets to sleep in your lap. Also? You curse NBC for their shitty Olympic coverage because as much you enjoyed watching the women's half pipe, you're pretty sure they should have showed Evan Lysacek's gold winning performance (and the Russian's subsequent hissy fit) some time before midnight. What - you don't believe me? Trust me. That's EXACTLY what happens when you don't chew your food.