Dear Mother Nature:

To quote Polly Holiday: "Kiss My Grits." And that's just me being a polite, Southern Belle. I'd much rather tell you to do a whole lot of things that rhyme with "uck" and call you names that rhyme with "blunder punt."

What gives lady? Are you not getting laid? Do the kids not call? Did Toyota recall your Prius? Are you on a diet and suffering from low blood sugar? PMS? Hot flashes? Did some guy at work try to cop a feel at the last Christmas party? Are you sleep-deprived? In need of a drink? Or meds? Or both? Did your dog die? Were you defriended by the Easter Bunny on Facebook? Did Revlon discontinue your favorite color lipstick? What? What on this green earth is making you such a spiteful, vindictive bitch? I'd truly like to know.

First there was the snow. Not a huge deal if you live in oh...say Chicago...but 6+ inches in the Foothills of NC is too much. Now granted: everyone loves a snowday and how often do these little Carolina crumbcrunchers get to build snowpeople? Not often. So yeah: a happy, snowy  snowpeople and hot chocolate filled Saturday. Great. Let's. Move. On.

But Oh wait: you decided to wallop us AGAIN because apparently you have us confused with Green Bay, WI. And it wasn't just snow. It was days upon days of freezing temperatures and ice and black ice and OMFG: this is North Carolina. WE ARE NOT EQUIPPED FOR THIS {outside of Boone that is}.

When you weren't drenching us with snow and leaving us stranded since we don't know how to drive in the flaky white goodness I like to think of as your dandruff, you were pelting us with rain. Sometimes ordinary rain. Sometimes freezing rain AND ICE. Global warming my ass. There were so many days in a row when the temperature didn't go above freezing, that for a minute I thought that Canada must have invaded the United States. AND WON. WTF Mother Nature?

Rain. Torrents of it. Buckets of it. Oceans of it. Where was this rain when we were parched 2 summers ago? Where was this rain when the lakes dropped a foot and boats sat docked on dry lakebed? And while it's not *your* fault that my sump pump failed and my basement flooded with 2 feet of water and fried the circuit board in my furnace and OMFG I am STILL without heat 3 days later because the insulation in my furnace is so wet that if they were to replace the circuit board (which they did once) the air from the fan would suck all that moisture out and fry the new board (which it did) and then the furnace would stop working AGAIN (yep - been there, done that - Ha! Ha! Ha! Joke's on me...) and so basically all I can do is wait until the insulation dries and then hope that a new board does the trick because OMFG I AM FREEZING MY ASS OFF because it's bitterly cold out AND there are BONE-CHILLING 60 MPH winds because apparently I am doomed to be Helen Hunt in Twister only where the Hell is my Bill Paxton?

You know what rain-soaked grounds and high winds lead to? Downed trees and power lines. Fun times for all. THANKS Mother Nature.

I haven't even started on the snow in the Northeast. Are you trying to BURY the entire Eastern Seaboard? Snow on ice on more snow on more OMFG lady: give it a rest. They're saying Maryland is closing in on the season-high snowfall set back in 1995-1996 and probably going to pass it. I REMEMBER 1995-1996. There were 10-foot high snow banks lining the streets of Manhattan until APRIL. And I thought you were being a douche weasel back then.

And - for the record: what's up with the Earthquake in Chicago? Are you off your rocker?

I'll admit: this whole not having heat since Sunday is making me just a wee bit stabby - that is - it would be making me stabby if I could actually FEEL MY FINGERS. Which I can't. So I am only stabby in theory and not in reality because I couldn't even pick up an instrument with which to actually stab you if I wanted to. Which for the record, I totally do. Want to stab you that is. Oh and BTW I am totally typing this post with my tongue.

So yeah Mother Nature. I don't know what happened to piss you off so fucking badly but let's put it behind us and move on - shall we?

Much appreciated.

xoxo Rougie

PS This entire post was written under the extreme duress of being numb from the neck down.

PPS Clearly I can do amazing things with my tongue