Like any good movie star Drama Queen, I don't star in the movie of my life alone. Seriously - when did you ever watch a movie that had only 1 person? I mean, Ok. There was Castaway but that was like, the dullest movie ever. Seriously. Who wants to watch Tom Hanks lose weight, grow hair, and play with a volleyball for 2 hours? I'm all for showing off your dramatic chops (and thanks for chasing the memory of The Money Pit from my brain) but don't forget where you came from Tom (Hello Bachelor Party and The Man With One Red Shoe) and next time Dabney Coleman gives you a call, answer. Oh wait. You totally did in You've Got Mail.

Fuck. Only 1 paragraph in and I've already lost my train of thought except I have another totally non-sequitor thought which is this: why was Heather Locklear permanently a Guest Star on Melrose Place? I mean, after a season or 6 you'd think we'd expect her as a regular cast member and not like this was the last week she was going to grace us with her presence. And another thing: why did it take them so long to make Joe E. Tata a regular on 90210? The man was in the show from the very first episode practically and I don't think he got "regular status" until after Mark Damon Espinoza came, knocked up Gabrielle Carteris, got to dance around like an asshat in those moronic opening credit sequences for one season, and then left when everyone realized that at 34 (born in 1961 HELLO!), no one was going to buy Gabrielle Carteris as a college student any longer. You know what else no one bought Gabrielle Carteris as? A talk show host. Seriously. Whose bright idea was that?

Where was I? (See - this is why I shouldn't write blog posts sober so early in the morning when I am nice and juiced on Coke Zero Cherry because OMFG it's like the voices in my head are running a marathon while dancing a jig while building houses for the homeless and curing cancer.)

Anyways...here's my real point (besides pointing out the genius of Aaron Spelling save for him actually giving his daughter a career that seems to have the survival skills of a cockroach. Seriously - can someone get Tori Spelling off the air, like yesterday? Although maybe it's my fault for still watching 90210 reruns on SoapNet): I have some pretty awesometastic people in my life and you ought to get to know them or at least be introduced to them because I will probably write about them alot because really my life is only half as interesting as I make it out to be (Seriously - I Tweet about my cat way more than is healthy) and if it weren't for these entertaining peeps, I'd probably run out of shit to say tomorrow. Ok. By Thursday. 

I'm starting with The Boys because 1) Isn't that how they kick off the Oscars? With the Best Supporting Actor category? Because let's face it - we only all give a shit about the acting awards (and if you say you care about Best Live Action Short Film I will punch you) so you sort of need to bookend the show with what we care about so that we're forced to sit through the other 4+ hours although CONFESSION: I love the montage of people who have died in the last year and even though I don't know 87% of them, I always get weepy. Because I am totally sensitive like that.

Back to My Boys. I am also starting with them because that's who I seem to spend the most time with. Seriously. My life these days seems to revolve around beer, chicken wings, sports bars, loudly yelling inappropriate things at the TV (I'm best known for "Suck It"), dirty jokes, sexual innuendo, references to Blazing Saddles which I don't understand because I still haven't seen the movie (although SCORE: Got it for $7 while waiting to check out of the grocery store the other week. And who says point-of-purchase doesn't pay off?), and figuring out how to use the phrase "She's got some dandy tickets" more often. As in:

Me: Kim Basinger is a crappy actress.

The Kaiser: Yeah - but she's got some dandy tickets.

{I'd like to pause for a moment to thank my father for making me listen to Howard Stern as a small child. If it weren't for the many years of being exposed to Mr. Private Parts and his *eclectic* sense of humor, I don't think I'd be prepared for what my life has become. So thank you Daddy. Love, Your Little Girl.}

And without further ado...meet My Boys:

THE KAISER

I don't even know where to begin with The Kaiser (aka Griss Warhound because The Kaiser was already taken when I forced him onto Twitter he signed up for Twitter to humor me). All I can say is that he has a lot of chest hair. Oh - and he despises John Mayer. Yep - a man I've known for over 3 years and who I spend a large amount of time with (usually busting his balls and drinking Guinness - oh! there you go: He likes Guinness) and that's all I've got. Oh. And the fact that he wants to get a Bugs Bunny tattoo which I am desperately trying to talk him out of because let's face it, real men don't do bunny wabbits. If you're going to permanently mark your body with a Looney Tune, at least make it sexy. Like Tweety.  Also? He grew up in Ohio which means he's pretty much the most doomed sports fan ever (See also: Cleveland Browns and Cleveland Indians). Actually - truth be told he's a very talented writer and since I am lazy as fuck all about promoting others, this is my totally backwards way of bullying him into writing a self autobiographical guest post. Although actually, I pretty much summed him up for you already. And if I didn't, this photo will:

We call this the Pose Down. It's The Kaiser's signature move.

The only reason The Kaiser looks so happy in this photo is because he is strangling me. The reason I look so happy is because I am digging my heel into his insole with tremendous force.

SUMO

Sumo is my big brother slash bodyguard slash giant teddy bear slash playmate all rolled into 1 loveable package. He's from the Western part of the county which means he doesn't tolerate any bullshit. From anyone.  Also? He loves Blue Motorcycles, The Captain, and he's a Cowboys fan which means he isn't perpetually disappointed on Sundays. On any given night he's probably out watching sports and 93.46% of the time (that's a scientifically proven statistic BTW) I am with him. This is a man who doesn't mind chauffering my ass around always makes sure I get home safe and who tolerates me when I get all weepy and PMS-y. In return, I ply him with baked goods and whatever genius creation has come out of my crockpot. It's a win-win for everyone.

See? I told you I wasn't afraid to wear my tiaras out and about.

You can immediately see why I love this guy - right?

THE HISTORY PROFESSOR

Last but not least is The History Prof, who is the world's coolest ever high school history teacher and who loves livermush, PBR & wears flip flops year-round. This man gives new definition to the world chill, which makes him the polar opposite of my uber-neurotic self. Also? He's not afraid to wear hats that aren't baseball hats and he doesn't look like a schmuck when he does. That my friends is a serious skill.

See what I mean about the whole hat thing?

So now you've met My Boys and you'll know who the fuck I am writing about or Tweeting about when I am out 6 nights a week.  Tomorrow (or maybe Wednesday because Holy Hell this post took forever to write) you'll meet some bedaucherous bitches (aka my GIRLS) and eventually, you'll have the thrilling honor of meeting my psychotic cat. Trust me - you won't want to miss that one.