Warning: to any new readers and/or those of you related to me by blood: this post contains some saltier-than-Gefilte-fish language. If you're easily offended, might I suggest taking a day off and coming back tomorrow.
Dear Valentine's Day:
You have my permission to officially suck it and when you're done with that, feel free to bite me. Seriously. You are nothing more than a giant conspiracy between the greeting card companies, the paper mills, the florists, the chocolatiers, and shrinks all across the land designed to play on every insecurity and neuroses that we as humans have.
And before you bite back and tell me that I sound like a jaded, cynical, bitter, old hag: save your breath. I'll totally cop to the jaded and cynical part, but you'll have to wait on bitter, old hag - I still have a few more years to go before I reach that stage.
It doesn't matter if one is in a state of couple or uncouple: you, my dear Valentine's Day, suck giant, scaly armadillo scrotum. Let's start first with the couples. OMFG the pressure is on BIG TIME to be ROMANTIC and LOVEY and SEXY and SWEET and oh boy there had better be roses and moonlight and champagne and diamond-horned unicorns flying out of your ass and one never-ending, Earth-shattering, life-changing orgasm if you have any intention of living up to the insanely high standard set by Hallmark, Hershey and FTD. Who the Hell can do all of that?
If you're uncoupled it's even worse because OMFG: there is NO ONE to give you roses and moonbeams and fairy dust and the rest of that crap. (Although Earth-shattering, life-changing orgasms can be found for the low, low cost of $104.99. Email me privately for details.) To quote my beloved Mr. T: "I pity the fool" because YOU. ARE. SINGLE. ON. THE. MOST. ROMANTIC. DAY. OF. THE. YEAR. Should I hurl myself into oncoming traffic now or wait until rush hour?
Chocolate. Champagne. Roses. All of this crap is expensive. God help those of us who are on a budget because we pretty much have no hope of celebrating you with even the slightest modicum of panache. Seriously. I am pretty sure anyone attempting to honor you with a box of Good & Plenty, a six-pack of PBR and some cheap carnations is probably going to fall short. Like Gary Coleman short.
And Cupid. What's up with Cupid? Weren't you a saint who got burned at the stake somewhere? Like twice? Where did that cherubic little fucker come from? Frankly I'd like to yank an arrow or 6 out of Cupid's quiver and shove it (or them) up his dimpled little cheeks. I'm just sayin...
And while we're at it: does every retail establishment in America have to be hosed down in Pepto-Bismol between now and Your Big Moment? I like pink as much as the next girl but this? This is just too much. At least be thoughtful and leave some samples of actual Pepto by the door so that when I gag on my own bile, there's a medical remedy close by.
Oh Valentine's Day. You have nothing to offer us other than extreme neuroses, crippling insecurity, fat thighs, ginormous credit card debt and an impossible to reach standard. Why do we have to assign A SINGLE DAY to be romantic? Why can't romance and love and Earth-shattering orgasms be a part of everyday life? Or for those who are single, at least the orgasms?
You make it so difficult for me to love you - which is a wee bit ironic given that you're *all about the love.* Seriously. I want to yank out your nose hairs one by one and then jam down on your insole good and hard while wearing 4-inch stilettos. Then I'd like to revisit your history and explore the whole burning at the stake thing. Because maybe that's what you need. To be burned down and reborn - like a Phoenix rising from the ashes.
But until that time, you can keep your roses - they make me sneeze. Keep your overpriced chocolates - my ass doesn't need to get any bigger. I don't need a fancy dinner out and even if I did, I wouldn't have it with you. Take your pink bunting and your red balloons and your lacey hearts and move on. We're over.
I'll be spending this February 14th with someone much more important: Mr. Daytona 500.
XOXO Rougie
I agree 100%. In fact, when my husband and I were first dating, I told him that I do not participate in Valentine's Day so he was off the hook, and I think he appreciated it. We never celebrated it, and all my friends would look at me pityingly when they would ask what we were doing on Valentine's Day and I'd say "we don't celebrate it." The most we ever did for it was get takeout and watch a movie together, but that could be any night of the year.
Anyway, it's just ridiculous to have all this pressure to be in love and be romantic just because Hallmark said so. I don't think there's anything wrong with doing silly things to show a little extra love on Valentine's day, but overpriced roses, jewelry and candy is just too much.