Dear Oscar:

Once upon a time, many, many moons ago, you were my favorite awards show. You were glamorous. You were elegant. You were even (in the Billy Crystal era) entertaining. And then you got long. And bloated. And pretentious. And you started taking yourself way too seriously. And boring. Did I mention long? And that's why you basically suck now and no one watches you anymore. Also? You picked some pretty crappy post-Crystal hosts. Also? Ryan Seacrest shouldn't be allowed withing 100 yards of you. Also? You got too damn political. I swear: there should be some kind of rule about what people can and can't say during their acceptance speechs. Also? Not enough alcohol.  

After watching your half sister GiGi last night, I have a few suggestions on how you might improve yourself and return to some of your former glory.  I know it's late, and you are right around the corner without much time to implement all of these ideas, but I am sure you can work in 1 or 2.

CHOOSE RICKY GERVAIS TO HOST YOUR HOST WISELY

Can anyone name 5 post-Crystal Oscar hosts? Me either. Other than the painful memory of David Letterman and Uma-Oprah-Oprah-Uma seared permanently into my brain, the post-Crystal era has been largely forgettable. And for the record, I think we'd all like to forget the Letterman-Uma-Oprah fiasco. Also? whatever happened to Uma Thurman?

You need a host with insousiance. You need a host with flair. You need a host who's not afraid to hit below the belt. You need a host who will shed his jacket, take off his tie and drink a pint (or 4) while he pushes on with the show. Honestly I'd love a host who did Irish car bombs - but perhaps I'm pushing my luck.  Anyways, give GiGi a call and ask her for Ricky Gervais's number. Or I am sure he's on Facebook.

DEPRESSING AND SERIOUS IS ALL FINE AND DANDY BUT LAUGHTER IS GOOD TOO

Apparently if it's got orphans, abuse, poverty, starvation, wide-eyed children of any sort, disease, triumph over tragedy, rags-to-riches, the Holocaust, a natural disaster, drugs, and/or teen pregnancy you love it and you shower it with love and affection. If it was made for under $1 million and/or by a first time filmaker and/or by someone in a different country and/or released independently, you love it even more. Yeah you for being so damn politically correct and conscientious, but consider adjusting your Prozac prescription and going for some laughs every once and a while. Seriously: comedy is harder than drama. Ask anyone. Also? K is the funniest letter in the alphabet. I don't know why this is true, but it is.

DON'T BE SO OBVIOUS

If Avatar wins Best Picture, I'm going to find out where you live, come to your house, and stab you repeatedly in the left thigh with a spork. Then I am going to make you watch David Letterman's Uma-Oprah speech on repeat until your brain bleeds.

NEED MORE COWBELL BOOZE

No one likes a sloppy acceptance speech (See: Mariah Carey at the Palm Springs Film Festival. Actually - scratch that because no one likes Mariah Carey period). But remember 100 years ago when Christine Lahti was in the ladies room and MISSED receiving her Best Actress Award for Chicago Hope? Or remember when Ving Rhames won for something but gave his award to Jack Lemmon instead? Or remember when people were eating and drinking and laughing and having fun and didn't look like a bunch of partially-starved, constipated asshats? If you don't want to provide booze for everyone, at least consider letting people bring their own flasks.

NO MORE ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES

Period. Unless given by Robert Downey, Jr. Does anyone else find it ironic when people thank God and their publicist in the same sentence?

Anways, these are just a few suggestions from me to you to help restore you to your earlier glory days and make you an awards show that people will actually want to watch again.

Ever Lovingly Yours,

Rougie   

PS What would you do to make the Oscars better?